Jun 14, 2018 ·

It was April, I joined a new team in office. People said it was a good team, had good work, and I will learn more.

I found the work rather boring, and felt kind of caught up. To distract myself, I used my phone to the rescue. Opened apps, scrolled endlessly, I wanted a way out of the feeling of being caught up.

It didn’t work. Began getting frustrated. Began wanting to stop at once, turn away from everything and just Shhhhh….!

It was like I was moving my foot forward and trying to move, very, very hard. And stayed on the same place in spite of my 100% effort.

And no living being could help me, no one cared. Maybe it was my mistake that I didn’t understand at first what was actually going on. Finally after days spent crying and then finding a way out through phone, I got it!

I was faking to myself. That everything is under control. That whatever is happening is right and if doesn’t seem right to me, maybe distraction would help.

I was turning away from my own feelings, I was not respecting my own self. I tried to forget about my feelings, just to cope up with surroundings.

Then on a fateful day, phone unlock, go to apps → Facebook delete, Instagram delete, Snapchat delete, Quora delete, Whatsapp delete a few days later.

Silence.

A day after, I felt like a drug addict who is in rehab, yearning to get his drugs. I felt that pressure in my head to open my phone and scroll, just scroll damn something. Oh the time that was, difficult to cope.

I had deleted my ultimate distractions from physical world and left myself empty, to face reality as was. See things forcibly, feel my darker self.

I had to let myself do it. It was painful to deal with. It was the Shhhhh! I wanted.

But what I had accidentally created for myself was more time. I was left with ample amount of time, to think clearly, to see clearly. I became more responsive. More agile. Started to sleep on time again. Waking up without an urge to check my phone. All I could feel was myself. I began to call my family more. Anyone I wanted to connect with, I just called. It was a different feel. Not having to wait for someone to reply back.

I have minimal noise now. I read more news, watch more videos, read more articles, listen more songs, work without an urge to check phone again and again.

The best feel was of having no expectations, from any one. Not having to see what others are doing with their lives. Having no random thoughts. Clear brain. Ready for new learning, ideas.

I respect myself. More than ever. For having this life altering decision. And life is better this way. No random noise. It is about me now and no one else.

As Maeve says in Westworld, “This is the new world and in it you can be whoever the fuck you want.”